Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
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