i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
