the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
