If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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