More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize