Your mouth is God's brothel.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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