i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
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