1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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