my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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