Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Randomize
