I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
