I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
