Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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