1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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