I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
