Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I'm determined to sit on that face.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
