If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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