i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
