smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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