Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
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