I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The power of my boobs compel you
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
