its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
