I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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