toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
