I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Randomize
