i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
