You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
