I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize