party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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