my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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