Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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