My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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