he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize