i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
