i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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