she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
