i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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