i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
