I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
