I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
