I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
