I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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