My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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