Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
