why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
