I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Are my feet made of real feet?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
