She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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