How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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