I am in a vortex of obligation.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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