There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I could fuck to npr.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
