I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
