Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
