Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
