I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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