can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Randomize
