Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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